Brushing my teeth right now. Caffeine overdose go !

I better stay awake tomorrow during class and after tennis match. Last week of tennis. Playoffs next week. Lets go.

Hey I like this new toothbrush.

I miss people. People make me happy and sad.

I miss people.

Piedmont

If there was a more expressive word for "exhausted" and "fatigue", I would insert it somewhere in this post. I'm sure there is but uhh, don't feel like thesaurusing it.

Holyshit, my undefeated streak for tennis was broken today by .. bigbadassscary Piedmont team. S'll good, they're all rich,tall, white chicks who've had private lessons since they could hold a tennis racket. I felt like we could do better but whatever, fair match.

It was so incredibly cold I randomly couldn't walk.

On our van ride back to school, I passed out and fell asleep next to my double's partner and woke up to .. random things, realizing my mouth was left open. ROFL. Yeah.

I was so tired while walking up the stairs to my locker because I had to change.

I couldn't find my parents when I was supposed to be picked up and got confused cause there was another car honking at me. I thought they were my parents but apparently not. As I entered the car, I hit my head hella hard into ... something. LOL ...

Now ... to do AP Comp Sci lab, reading, AP Bio, Spanish, and probably go over math shit so I don't fail on Thursday.

I'm dead. I can hardly open my eyes. I miss you.

I wonder if things at school are starting to brighten up... I hope so ? My relationship with you randomly lightened up and now we've returned to normal ... I hope. I still have to talk to you though.

I guess I'll be blogging regularly. LOL ... I want to pizzazz my layout and everything though.

I'm dead, someone save me.

finally.

& the tears finally come rushing down.

fault.

i'm blaming you for the way i'm acting. you're doing exactly what upsets me and i straight up told you already.

i've said it more than once too to more than one person. honestly?

times like this is when i even want to get away from you.

i'm being pushed into an unwanted corner, viewing both sides of the wall, feeling like i'm being enclosed ... okay so I paused for this sentence cause I .. can't think of another way to phrase it.

basically i'm "suffocating"... except instead of just accepting it, I want to spit that water shit into your face and make you realize i'm not someone you can just throw aside at your convenience.

What is happening.

I don't know whats happening.

I need to set my priorities straight.

I want everything, but I also want nothing.

I need to get the fuck out of this whole and continue seeing the bright sun shine with the wind blowing in my hair and say "Fuck you, I've moved on."

I don't want to care about this. I don't need this either.

I don't want to care, I don't want to see this, I don't want to be around this but its inevitable.

Always giving, never receiving. When does someone know when to give up or continue believing.

Lol, why does it seem like I keep questioning shit. I shouldn't even come down to this point where I'm considering all aspects of my life that are important to me turning upside down.

I want to rip that shit up. I want to do this over. I wish I never even got involved.

Wow. I just thought of someone else. What the fuck happened to you. I constantly try and I'm shot down every time. I don't know if I should give up on you .. or just wait for you to come to me because its been like that already for all these years. I know you're feeling like shit and I want to be there for you but you won't let me. Hey, I'm feeling like shit too, why can't we be there for each other instead of like those times when life fell apart and we were distanced away from each other. I'm glad I saved you that day. I thought our bond was more than that. Isn't it? Do I have to explicitly ask you if you care about me? I know you're going to say yes because why would you say no? I hope you're doing well ... even though I know you aren't. I want to see your face. I want to talk to you. Funny how this is only one case.

Who else to rant about. Okay. You. Why are you turning your back on us? You gave me some bullshit reason saying, "Oh sorry, I've been hanging out with them lately so blah blah blah." What? What the fuck. That has no relevance to what happens between us at school because they don't even go to our school. What the fuck happened on Saturday?

How shitty can someone feel when they think they're loved by their friends, realize that everyone is already occupied with someone else, kicked out of their seat, leaves everyone with tears in their eyes and .. wait what. I don't even realize what I typed. I'm not going to even bother backspacing. I looked you in the eye, hurt inside. I really was hurt. You don't understand how hurt I am from your actions/looks/words. You too. Another person. Even though I know you didn't mean to hurt me, your look made me feel like I was someone you looked down on.

Okay. Back to you. I looked at you in the bus, about to cry and everything. I wanted to cry right there. I tried so hard to hold it in. When I couldn't hold it anymore, I turned around, left, and then the tears came. Sad thing is none of you even noticed or bothered to CARE. What the fuck man. What kinda fucking friend just leaves her friend. Also, he said that I was here. He announced that I was here and instead of giving me space in the circle you fucking closed that shit up. I don't know what to do. You gave me another bullshit reason that you're tired and cranky. Oh yeah? Then why the fuck are you sucking up to the other two seniors. You're being their bitch and everything; you might as well just suck on them and call it a day or something.

Yeah. I'm hurt. All this shit Im typing is cause I'm hurt. I'm hurt. It does matter to me because you're really close to me and you matter. I care about you. I care about what you think of me. I care about our friendship. I just care.

Look. I'm being forgotten, again. Funny, this isn't the first time, second, third ... maybe its the fourth. Haha, I can foresee the future already. I see the fifth. I warned you about this and its happening anyway. I was straightforward but apparently thats not enough.

I want to cry, but I don't want to cry because you guys are the reason why I would. I wish I could end up not giving a shit about you guys but it doesn't work that way. I ripped up your name. I should write the others and rip up their names too. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I need an actual, forreal, true friend. Fuck.

tears

Hm, have I been crying recently or something? Shiet.

So this morning I woke up at 6:50AM to get ready to go to Great America by 8:30AM. I decided to sleep longer so I woke up at 7:40. Started getting ready, called Elena to make sure I could still go. For some odd reason my mom started saying shit to me that really pissed me off and it felt like ... Hm, whats the word. Blackmail? Yeah. I felt like she was blackmailing me cause she was like "If you don't do this you can go to Great America. Forget it." Mygod. I swear she's going through menopause. I even asked her, I was just like, what the hell is up with you, why are you so bitchy, shiet.

After I arrived in front of my school, seeing everyone, I felt better.. sort of. Okay so for the past two days, I've been contemplating whether or not I should go to Great America. I know most of the people who are going but I'm not BESTFRIENDSOHDANG with them. There are the junior girls I'm really chill with and I'm really close to some of them but we don't really hang out anymore. Ohgod, I'm going to read this blog later and think I'm hella stupid. I feel really stupid. Lol.

[Finishing this later]

shut your mouth.

Shut the fuck up bitch, I'm not taking your shit.

The Conclusion

I've broke out in tears and have started to cry.

What the fuck.

What the fuck was that.

I need someone.

What the fuck.

In the end I'm left with myself and my thoughts .

You know what helps though? crying. i've resorted to crying. i give up.

Tomorrow I'm going to open my eyes and forget everything. I hate these feelings. I shouldn't even be upset.

Falling.

I want to cry.

What the fuck.

I can't believe this is happening.

I bet this is also going to pass in a day. Again, I'm going to push it aside and live life as I have been.

Maybe I should stop giving in and say something .. Not really.

If only it was that easy.

I should be emotionless. Things would be easier that way. Too bad that's impossible.

---------------------

I don't even want to talk to anyone about this really. Lol ... Do I even want to blog? This is pretty useful, but all I'll probably do after I post this is mope.

I should be studying/doing homework, but I'm just listening to music and moping.

I might make a blog to ameliorate my vocabulary; a vocabulary word a day for Jackie?

What have I done. I did something good, but why am I suffering from it? What the fuck. I'm hella retarded. I know all these feelings will disappear tomorrow morning because I get over things so easily ... or at least I make sure/try to.

Oh, I bet if I read this again later, I'm going to laugh at myself and continue with whatever I'm doing. Funny how you feel like shit and then later it's kind of like nothing happened. Who knows.

Why do feelings have to be so complex? This is exactly what I don't want to bother with shit. I'm also too cowardly and don't want to risk being hurt; it happens anyway.

Maybe I just want someone who appreciates me, someone who'll never leave me, someone who'll understand every inch of me, someone who'll be there for me, someone's who made for me, someone who's ... just for me.

--------------------------

Who wouldn't want someone like that? Isn't that what we all yearn for in the end anyway?

Edit: You forget about me, disregard me, take me forgranted ... when that person is there. I don't like that.Who likes being disregarded anyway? Even if we aren't anything more, I don't appreciate just being hauled to the side whenever you want. What if I were to leave one day, what the fuck are you going to do? Shit, I somehow doubt you'd even notice. Maybe I'm just going to stop. See what happens.

See if you remember me.

What Am I Doing.

I feel sad, mopey, and down.

Cool.

=/