What Friends Do

Edit:

This is unbelievably a retarded day.

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Hm. I don't know what to feel about this anymore.

So apparently when I thought something was up with my main group of friends at school ... I was right.

So I had been feeling lonely and excluded by them .. I was going to talk to two of them but they kept brushing me off by saying oh, they had to go ________ and that we'd talk later. Bullshit, never even asked again. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with the because I can easily hang out with others. I feel like a follower sometimes and that's absolutely something that I can't tolerate. I feel horrible ... There aren't supposed to be any followers/leaders, we're just a group of friends. Even though we have flaws as a group, we normally still work with it and things are okay in the end ..

For example, it seems like there's always someone left out/behind in whatever we're doing.. its not deliberately but shit, what happened to me sure was.

So .... I had gone on someone's facebook to check pictures in my friend's album and I came across this picture ... it was my main group of friends all at this get together thing, all fancied up, dresses, makeup, hair, errthang. So I'm like , "Wut, What's this?" ... I found some other pictures and then went to ask one of my friends to see if they knew what was up because they weren't in any of them.. and she's part of the friendgroupthing. She said she didn't know since she was studying for SATs and she just wasn't notified.. K well, I sure as hella wasn't notified as well.

So I ask one of my friends a question that I had already asked her to see if she'd tell me straight up or sort of dodge the question. The Monday we had come back from Halloween, I had asked "E" and "G" what they did on Halloween. They responded with "Oh I went to a friends house" & "I went trick-o-treatin." I didn't realize it at the time but uh ...

So I found pictures on Halloween and it was with "E", "G", and "L". I'm sort of like ," What the fck? People got together and I wasn't even aware?" Seeing their smiling faces with each other, camwhorin` .. and i'm just like wow okay .. I wasn't even asked nor did anyone mention ANYTHING to me. I couldn't have went anyway, but the fact that the friends that I thought were my "good"/"besties" didn't even bother to ASK ME hurt. I looked at more pictures and just felt even shittier.. So I had mistaken two of the pictures as one event but they were actually two.

One event was on Halloween and another event was for "L"'s birthday. Okay so what I just realize now that's ... what the fck is that I asked her if she was having a party .. her mom said probably not so I was like aw okay, thats cool. Its her 16th birthday too.

I found that pic and today asked my friend what it was ... she said it was L's birthday and I'm like LOLWTF? SHE HAD A BIRTHDAY? AND I WAS NOT NOTIFIED? okay I might sound like a shit for being like, "Aw wtf I wasn't invited QQ," but ... okay she's supposed to be one of my good friends, someone I see everyday and we're always like LALAAL!! .. we used to be much closer until this incident where she lied straight to my face after I asked her if she would ever lie to me.. I'm not going to even start talking about her because she's a straightup-bad-person to be around. Shit, I don't need these people to bring me down. My friend that I was talking to today asked me what I was doing with these type of people that obviously don't care.. Am I wasting my time? Shit I sure think I am.

So, now I'm irked and I'm not the type of person to just let things pass by like this, especially if I've been feeling lonely and like shit for the past 1 in a half months ... so I'm probably going to go to L tomorrow and be like, "So why didn't you lie to me about your birthday and why wasn't I informed?" .. I feel like I'm not mad or.. upset that I didn't go.. but someone I thought who was close to me apparently wasn't.. And the thing is , everyone at the party DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME anything. Like what the fuck, what is my presence nothing? Did no one notice I wasn't there? If thats the case then I'm done, fuck you guys. You use me, i'm going to use you right back. You're just going to be everyday friends who I just see at school, I'm going to be done, I'm going to be through. I don't' want to waste my love and care for the type of people who are taking me for granted and obviously don't give a shit about me enough to even NOTIFY me about something that involves everyone.

Also, another case ... So in English Honors, we have a satire project due this monday .. I've been asking oh, how are we splitting into groups etc.. everyone has been dodging my question and I"m like ay, lets figure this out because this is due on Monday.. so no one has told me anything .. and everyone's just like, " Oh I don't know , we haven't even started, we don't know groups." Then after I kept pestering one friend, she finally says that oh, she'll probably be in ___ & ____'s group and I'm like lol okay should've told me 2 weeks ago when I asked so I wouldn't keep hoping to be in your group.. So then I don't know what the fuck everyone else is doing but shit, not going to wait for them .. Someone asked me today to be in their group so I'm like HELLYEA, LETS GO. Got the recording done afterschool today ...

Friends. What are friends, can someone clarify? I need to decipher who are my real friends from fake. I'm tired of this bullshit. I hate feeling sad so I'm going to do something about it. I've been trying to be happy for all the times I've been sad and you know what ... I'm not going to continue being pushed around and forgotten. I'm fucking Jackie, okay, I'm no pushover. Just say shit to my face instead of dodging the bush because you're wasting my and your time.

Okay, so I guess I'm going to L tomorrow and confronting her. I don't want her to smile at me everyday and put up a front or something, shit.

Bad Habit

Ohgod I keep ditching class and staying in the library to finish other homework. I get the absences excused though. =/

I always mess with photobooth though ... LOL ...

Okay. Lmao. The two people next to me are playing some fighting game and probably think I'm odd just ... fixing my hair and shit in the cam and taking pics. HAHA whatever. People do this all the time. c:

I took a lot of more pictures with my other friend Jes but she didn't upload them/left. Aha.

One Day

One day I'll disappear and you all won't even know.

I'll leave without a trace, nothing left.

I bet you'll all forget about me too.

Always

I always find myself upset/pissed/annoyed nowadays cause of shit.

Lol fuck, can't you two shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

The more you tell me to do things, the more I don't want to do them.

How would you like it if you had two people constantly, every day, every minute, repeating the same thing over and over again in an annoyingassvoice you despise.

Motherofshit.

I can't do shit to let out my anger either, just pisses me off even more.

Ouch

I woke up this morning being hit once on my head by my dad.

Lol.

My mom had come to wake me up and I was about to get up.. but I kept sleeping.. Then my dad comes to check if I'm alive and .. well yeah.

So then he's like , " Mommy told me you were playing a game afterschool yesterday." .. but more in a yelling manner.

Yeah, I went on for the beatrush tourney, quit after passing the first round cause my mom was like WTFOJSK...

That hit on the head did hurt though.

Hm, I don't think I've blogged a blog about my entire day. Lets start.

Jackie's Day So Far:

So I woke up, went to school .. 2nd period .. YES. SPANISH. Ohmygod it was the chillest period I've had in a while. Actually, my entire day was pretty chill only because today was Career Day at school.

Some stuff in mind:

°spanish artist report (first draft) due friday

° finish huckleberry finn - thursday

° get satire project thang together

° actually read biology

° learn trig graphs crap

° actually read & learn history? LOL

° get ap comp sci shiet together

° prepare for in-class essay

Oh, something random to think about: I was invited by my ex to go to his Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of his family. We're pretty good friends so its ... actually normal that he'd invite me? .. but not really. LOL what. We talk once in a while and its always good, but I find it random that he'd invite me .. especially to Thanksgiving because thats a family thing.

Back to my day .. so ... 4th Period AP Compsci ... Ohshit I don't know what we're doing right now. LOL compsci makes my head hurt, its hard :x

Career Day: I got lawyer, pediatrician, emergency room nurse.

Lawyer - The guy was pretty chill and was telling us about this Nazi chase he had or something.

Pediatrician: I've always wanted to be a doctor ever since I was asked by my dad when I was 4. I still stand by that statement, kinda more than ever.

Heyguys, I'm going to be a pediatrician or something and then you all can come into my office for a checkup ;) ohoho. LOL

Or uh, I want to work in the medical field somewhere... Not sure if I want to be a specialist in some field but who knows. Pediatrician? Yah baby.

ER Nurse: Oh ... this guy was pretty chill too haha. Someone asked him the worst case or... patient he had to work with.. Unfortunately he had to take care of a child who was put into an oven. Thinking about that makes me sad.

6th Period was AP Bio. Ohshit man LOL ... I should pay more attention in that class, goddamn all this work.

Oh, things are looking up at school in the friend area so.. I'm glad about that ... I guess. Things are looking up in general maybe.. but not really cause all my classes are starting to jump into their intense business and shit.

Why can't things be insouciant.

Oh ... I also .. what the hell, how is this going to work out.

So I was invited to two friends' parties on Friday ... I guess it'd work out cause one's afterschool ish .. and then another one starts at 7. LOL

I think I'll be planting trees as volunteer work on Saturday too.

I need to do more volunteer work. I actually want to work at Kaiser or have some internship somewhere; that'd be pretty dope.

I definitely want to volunteer at Kaiser hospital or ... maybe even a lab, gotdayum. [:

Mkay, so now .. I need to read two fetasspackets of articles about viewpoints of Huckle Berry Finn, study for math, do math homework, history ?!

Okay life, ameliorate yourself.

Edited:

OHMYGOD. ALSO. I have this really nice mint chocolate godiva ball thing that.. I'm about to devour later. Ohoho.

Random but you know, my bra randomly broke today in class.. or something .. uhhh ... some wire part of something broke and then was stabbing me and I wtfed throughout bio. LOL ...

Then later I checked and this wire was sticking out, yeah that was odd.

But on the topics of bras, my mom also bought me three new bras today [: Surprisingly they're cute.

One's just black, another one polkadotpinkwhite, some other cool design whitelightblue.

Just wanted to share that because I'm sure no one is going to read this far. LOL

Fuck Off

Mother fucking bitchass cow. Shut the fuck up.

Leave me the fuck alone. Fuck your bullshitted mouth.

Fuck.

RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

You make me want to say I fucking hate you. Holymotherfucker. Fucked me up in the morning too?

No wonder I told you to your face for the first time you're fucking annoying.

Yeah. I said, "You're fucking annoying."

Can't you get off my nuts or something, holymotherfucker.

Friends

LOL THATS THE MOST SHIT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY right now.

Please.

Friends? I called you guys GOOD friends? What friends. What the fuck are you for me to call you a friend ... All of you friends, really? Is that what a friend does?

Dodging my questions, saying other things, LOLFOOL I'm not stupid. I'm not blind either and you can't bullshit around.

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Oh I never finished this post but uhh ... LOL. K.

Shiny

ilmylbcom «3

Okay so earlier today I got the bombest, ferocious, most fabulous nail polish ever. I've always wanted to complete my "GLAM" colors i.e gold, silver, etc.

So I already had some shiny silver nail polish but NOW ... I have GOLD & this sexy ass metallicy green keylime shine color [:

I'll edit this post later and post them up.

My nails are so fabulous.

Realization

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”

—	Audrey Hepburn

I think I know what my problem has been lately ...

No wonder my mind keeps jumping from one things to another but ...

Maybe I've been feeling this way because I'm yearning to be loved .. Who isn't ? But what the hell, its not like I'm actually looking for this ... It's not like I've told myself, "Aite, go find yourself a man." .. no.

I feel like I want to be loved and the last element I realized today is that ...

I want to love someone. I want to care for someone. I want to do little cute things that matter for someone. I want to be there for someone. I want to embrace someone. I want to be the person that someone confides and believes in.

I want to share the bright sunshine that I wake up to everyday and the vibrant golden sunset that is around a block away. Really.

I want to share happiness with someone, in that way.

:]

Oops.

I think I've made a mistake.

Bitchass

Fuck your bitchass. You honestly think I'm on drugs? LOL YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT it means to be on drugs. HAHHAHAHAAHAA.

Bitchass thinks I'm on drugs, that's hellov funny. Getting a blood test tomorrow ... You honestly are going to request to check for drugs? Shiet, I should hella load on something.

So I talked to someone today about the shit thats been happening thats got me down for the past month and finally got that fucking shit off my chest. Woman's fucking ass comes in and starts yelling and shit to get off and about how useless it is to be on the phone.

Fuck you. You don't even know if your fucking daughter is sad and shit.

LOL FUCK YOU SO HARD. I fucking hate you. I'm going to start fucking hating you. Fuck you and fuck him too. Fuck both of you.

AHAHAHAHA. I'm going to fuck myself up badly on purpose just to spite you. Fuck you.

I'm going back to fucking sleep, shiet. I don't even remember when I fell asleep but I was doing homework and reading bio. Your fucking vocals just had to start yelling and say random shit.

I think its the funniest thing in the world how you think I'm on drugs. I want to tell my teachers my dad thinks I'm on drugs. Actually, I want to tell my counselor that you think I'm on drugs.

Then after that I'll go fucking do some drugs, drink, and then come back home.

I hate listening to your loudass sonovabitch fucker voice okay. Put a dirty sock in it.

I'm going back to sleep. Its like you expect me not to be tired with two hours of sleep, dipshit.

Return

These fingers of mine will be put to use once again.

Have I found refuge?

LOL

So I couldn't get up this morning and slept through all my alarms... So my dad decided to ask me, " Are you on drugs?" and actually meant it?

ROFL. Am I on drugs, shiet. That's hilarious. I responded with a, "If I was on drugs I'd be happy." and he's like you sure look happy and I'm like LOLWTFDLSJFKDFJD.

Am I on drugs. Sometimes I feel like I should actually just do drugs for the hell of shit. Hahahahaah.

I'm going to laugh if I get fcked up on Friday. Yeee.

Happiness.

Someone told me I should be happy.

How?

Where the fuck did happiness go this past month.

I'm not happy and haven't been happy.

I Wanna Be

I still want to be with you even after all this shit. Lol. Funny, we've never been together only due to the fact that we're this far. What if I told you that I'd still want us to be rather than what I said that day?

What if we were together? I hope that question still enters your mind from time to time. Are you lonely? I hope you aren't. I want to know whats going on in your life. You're really stubborn when it comes to feelings, but I still want to be there.

I'm talking to you for the first time in months. I miss you. I've missed you every single day. I actually do think I have thought of you every day ... You're busy, I'm busy, this I know, but no matter what, I'd always make time for you.

My friend told me this once, "Don't give me shit about oh, you don't have time, people give time to those who they want to make time for."

I'm about to take a shower, but I was stopped cause I messaged you first in a while; you responded this time. We haven't had an actual conversation in awhile, nor have I seen your delightful face. I care too much not to care where this is going to go.

How ironic. We have this brother and sister relationship and then like .. we're never there for each other when we really do need each other though. You know I'm there for you, but you always want to be alone. I don't want/like to be alone when I'm sad, I don't know if you're aware of that.

I still never go to tell you the dream I had a while ago. You asked me right after I mentioned it, but I changed the topic right after and you forgot. Did you forget? I'm surprised I still remember the dream because I typically forget what I dream about. We held hands, kissed, and then someone had to go ... after that things faded away and I don't remember the rest.

I miss seeing your face. I miss hearing your voice. I miss being around you. I miss your presence. I miss everything about you.

I like how this is only a brother&sister type of relationship.

Bored in History

Vista.

I fucking hate Vista.

Holyshit, Vista frustrates me on an entirely different level. =/

Upset

You upset me. Seeing that upsets me. You are upsetting. You are also upsetting. I am upset.

Please tell me if this was my fault or his fault ? ...

Okay so I had a question for bio that my friend and I couldn't figure out .. So ..... I went and asked my lab partner knowing that he'd be chill about it .. but this is what happens.

Please tell me if I was the one who overreacted or he was just being a bitch. Hey, its probably both but shiet.

20:31] Jackie: LOL

[20:31] Jackie: Why do we calculate q before p.

[20:33] Jeff: are you serious

[20:39] Jackie: I'll ask someone else then.

[20:42] Jeff: no srsly

[20:42] Jackie: Uh.

[20:42] Jackie: I wouldn't be asking you if I knew

[20:42] Jackie: Lol

[20:42] Jeff: thats what the whole last half chapter was about

[20:43] Jeff: and what hardy weinberg was about

[20:43] Jeff: which is why i said what i said

[20:43] Jackie: I said nevermind

[20:43] Jackie: Lol

[20:43] Jeff: ok

[20:57] Jeff: lol, sorry jackie. its just that that is something that you should know

[20:57] Jeff: tahts what we've been going over the past week

[20:58] Jackie: Lol what the fuck

[20:58] Jackie: Jeff.

[20:58] Jackie: Even if we did go over it the past week

[20:58] Jackie: Its not like you have to be a bitch about it

[20:58] Jeff: i wasnt being a bitch about it?

[20:58] Jackie: Uh

[20:58] Jackie: Yeah ?

[20:58] Jackie: Lol

[20:58] Jackie: I asked you a question

[20:58] Jeff: how was i being a bitch about it?

[20:58] Jackie: and instead youre just like

[20:58] Jeff: reread what i said?

[20:58] Jackie: are you esrious.

[20:58] Jackie: [20:31] Jackie: LOL

[20:31] Jackie: Why do we calculate q before p.

[20:33] Jeff: are you serious

[20:39] Jackie: I'll ask someone else then.

[20:42] Jeff: no srsly

[20:42] Jackie: Uh.

[20:42] Jackie: I wouldn't be asking you if I knew

[20:42] Jackie: Lol

[20:42] Jeff: thats what the whole last half chapter was about

[20:43] Jeff: and what hardy weinberg was about

[20:43] Jeff: which is why i said what i said

[20:43] Jackie: I said nevermind

[20:43] Jackie: Lol

[20:43] Jeff: ok

[20:59] Jeff: yea

[20:59] Jeff: all i said

[20:59] Jackie: I asked you specifically cause i knew you'd like

[20:59] Jeff: was are you serious?

[20:59] Jeff: i didnt cuss at you

[20:59] Jackie: You don't have to cuss in order to be a bitch

[20:59] Jackie: LOL

[20:59] Jackie: Its the fact that you're just like

[20:59] Jackie: UH ARE YOU SERIOUS JACKIE YOU DON'T KNOW and we've been learning this

[20:59] Jackie: Well you know what

[20:59] Jackie: Lol

[20:59] Jackie: Jeff.

[20:59] Jackie: I asked you because I obvoiusly don't know

[20:59] Jeff: was i typing in caps? no, i was asking a question

[20:59] Jeff: you are overreacting

[21:00] Jackie: Lol asking a rude question

[21:00] Jeff: how is it a rude question

[21:00] Jackie: If you were to ask me something about bio homework

[21:00] Jackie: I wouldn't be like

[21:00] Jackie: Are you serious.

[21:00] Jackie: Lol its fine

[21:00] Jackie: Forget it

[21:00] Jeff: a rude question would be, do you not every pay attention in class

[21:00] Jackie: I"m asking someone lese

[21:00] Jeff: thats rude

[21:00] Jackie: I went to you because I knew you'd know

[21:00] Jackie: and help me out.

[21:00] Jackie: Its fine

[21:00] Jackie: I already said nevermind.

[21:00] Jeff: ok

[21:00] Jeff: you are overreacting

[21:00] Jeff: but if tahts how you wanna be

[21:00] Jeff: its fine

[21:00] Jackie: LOL

[21:00] Jackie: K you don' thave to put it like that either.

[21:01] Jeff: well, tahts how you're acting

[21:01] Jackie: Lol ...

[21:01] Jackie: No

[21:01] Jeff: and its freedom of speech

[21:01] Jackie: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[21:01] Jackie: You aren't going to pull that line on me

[21:01] Jackie: Honestly.

[21:01] Jackie: Really, it doesn't matter

[21:01] Jackie: I'm sorry i even went to you in the first place.

[21:01] Jeff: ok, w/e

[21:01] Jackie: I asked someone else before

[21:01] Jackie: and she didn't know

[21:01] Jackie: So i was like Oh look, my smart partner Jeff would know

[21:01] Jackie: Its cool lol

[21:02] Jeff: i do know, but since you decided to go apeshit on me, i never had the chance to explain anything

[21:02] Jackie: LOL I didn't apeshit on you

[21:02] Jackie: I was just like

[21:02] Jackie: Nevermind

[21:02] Jeff: you pretty much did tho

[21:02] Jeff: you could have just said, yes im srs

[21:02] Jeff: that would have did it

[21:02] Jackie: Lol

Edit:

Mkay so I guess I took it offensively ..... I should've just been hella chill back at him but still .. I don't want him to be like OH ARE YOU SERIOUS? DAYUM WHY YOU HELLA STUPID. Like what the fck man.

LOL whatever. I have more ranting to do about people who disappoint me.

=/

Forgiveness

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you too.

@1: Thank you for being there and listening and just ... being there. I really appreciate you. I don't really know any better way to phrase this ... but I'm even happy that you called .. its just that I passed out.

♥

@2: I'm really sorry. I guess I did end up raging at you without even knowing it. I went insane last night, I'm sorry; it was uncalled for. I didn't know you had a short temper either and I'll be sure to take notice of that. I don't know what came over me. I know I should've stopped talking to you cause I would've made things worse (which I did), but ... I just felt like I had to keep talking to you. I really wished/hope you'd pick up your phone when I called though .. even though I was crying it would've really helped, its okay though. ><

I honestly, sincerely, apologize. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for to both of you for just disappearing like that. I ended up not being able to breathe and then panicked .. resorted to my bed, and then not knowing wtf happened, passed out.

I'd like to apologize for what happened last night and for my uninformed disappearance.

I need to get a control of these emotional breakdowns but shiet, girl can't keep all this inside for 3 weeks+

Edit:

Wtf@3: Where the hell were you when this happened, shiet.

Honestly, its like I always find myself alone. What, do I need to get used to this now or something, shiet. I already knew this, in the end, every individual will always remain alone.

Breaks My Heart

Okay so.

I woke up this morning to the loud yelling of my parents. I was just kinda like, "Ah .. =___=" - rolls over and tries to sleep again-

Their voices got progressively louder so I opened my eyes to hear what they were arguing about.. It was something that happened yesterday and I wasn't really sure so I decided to get up and go listen. I stayed quiet upstairs until I heard a tremble in my mom's voice .. It was weird, this argument seemed really off because my dad's voice had this particular tone that I haven't heard in a while .. Okay well, my parents don't really argue that much.. Actually, they don't argue in general. They also don't have bigass arguments .. I only remember two other occasions where their arguments went out of hand.

So, I go downstairs cause I can hear my mom crying, which is shocking because I've only seen my mom cry .. maybe two to three times in my life before. She was sobbing and I was watching my parents argue from the kitchen. They were around.. 15 ft away from me, going at each other. Well, it was more of my dad yelling and my mom pleading for forgiveness and saying some other shit .. I don't know man, I'm not going to get into why they fought but .. my dad's too stubborn, my mom already apologized numerous times, people are just blah. I learned something out of this though: my dad's really sensitive. I knew little things bothered him, but I didn't think he was sensitive.. Or wtf, thats stupid of me to think that but its weird if you've never seen your parent get hurt by the other parent before. You always hear of your friend's or even yourself getting hurt by others by your parents? Uh ...

Okay so I was just standing in the kitchen for a few seconds until I started crying. I couldn't control myself. The worst thing that I've witness/seen is my parents fighting. I forget everything else thats happening around me and my head is pin-pointed on my parents' fighting. Goddammit. Arguing from time to time is okay but I don't like it .. I feel like shit when one parent is mad at the other too.. It was just all bad this time because my dad was frustrated and my mom was crying. I cried some more and walked toward my mom with my arms out .. I hugged her. She was sobbing and I held her. I don't really remember in what sequence things went but later my mom's sitting .. and my dad's sitting.. they're both quiet, my dad is trying to end the argument because he said he already forgave her .. but he's the type that always brings shit up again, he doesn't easily forgive either. Uh.. Okay so they argue again and it hits me, my dad's hurt. He's hurt because of something my mom did and she kept doing it. UH. LOL lets just say that my mom didn't include my dad in something and my dad feels hurt. She didn't even ASK him to join him and she always goes places without him. My dad will never go to places without my mom. He'll reject someone's invitation if my mom isn't there. My mom on the other hand wil just go places and blahh. The last time my mom went somewhere without my dad, he randomly talked about it in the car. I didn't take such notice of it but all he told me was , " I can't believe she went without me. " I feel kinda bad too cause my parents can't do things they want to do sometimes because they have to take me to school but uh..

K, back to them arguing. I was crying this whole time but I stepped into their argument .. I don't realy know what other way to say this but I'll type what I said to my mom:

Mommy, it doesn't matter if you're trying to get proof .. (Something along the lines of that) .. the fact is is that daddy's hurt. You hurt his feelings. You hurt his feelings a number of times and you didn't even know that you were hurting him. Daddy has been going through this without telling you anything but you keep doing the same thing.

My mom tries standing up for herself and I'm just like ...

I know you're sorry and daddy knows you're sorry but its going to take time for both of you to calm down. Daddy's stubborn and you know that..

Randomly, I start hearing a cry and I know its not my mom .. I look to my dad and he's crying. Ohmygod its like my heart broke into more pieces. I've never in my life seen or heard my dad cry. I've never seen my dad with his guard down before. I've never seen my dad feel hurt or show any sign of weakness .. It broke my heart.

Immediately after I realized he was crying, I went to him and hugged him. I started crying even more and said daddy don't cry ... Please stop crying. My heart hurts.

My mom comes and tries to hug him but he softly pushes her away. My dad starts crying even more and expressing himself.

Then we're all just crying, my mom and I on both sides of my dad ... >____>; ...

So then things calm down a bit, my mom and I eat lunch.. I go upstairs, play some cs to calm down (LOL) ..

Then suddenly I hear my dad saying he's going to go to Reno. I heard the garage door open and I ran downstairs. I asked him, " Where are you going?" He responds with "Reno." .. I'm silent and I watch him get ready and everything.. He looks at me and I think its cause I started forming tears in my eyes and he goes.. Why are you crying? I've never seen this before in my dad either but he comes to me and puts his hand on my shoulder, like a sign of concern. I start crying more, staring blankly on the ground. He asks me, " Why are you crying? Do you want me to stay?" I ask him, " Do you need time alone or something? Will this do anything? Whats the point in going to Reno? Are you going to enjoy yourself ... whattt? " He says, ' I don't know" ..

I'm still crying and my mom approaches me now and we're all standing under the doorframe.. I don't look at either of them but my dad suddenly goes to the car and starts to back up.. I look at him while still crying and he closes the garage.. For some reason , in my heart, i felt like he wouldn't leave. Oh, one thing I remember, while I was crying, he said, "So what? What if I go? One day I'm going to leave without you even knowing." ..

Also, I asked him, " Are you going somewhere by yourself to teach mommy a lesson? Whats the point in that."

I'm standing there with my mom behind me, watching the garage door slowly come down .. I'm still staring at the garage door, hoping that it would open again and my dad would drive back into the garage ... I hear a car stop and I think its my dad.. I feel like he took time to think about what he was doing. My mom turns off the life and was about to close the door when she tried to lead me away from the door. Instead of continuing to turn me, she hugs me and starts crying. She breaks into a sob right away and says stuff about like ... "I feel lonely. He just started his 21 day break and i thought it was going to be fun but ... " .. I don't know, just things that made me cry too. We were crying together for about 2 minutes under the doorframe.. After that, for some reason, I went outside to see if my dad was parked somewhere but he was gone.

K so.. Some hours pass and then I was going to call my dad to see how he was doing.. Instead, as I checked my phone, I realized he had called me. I called him back 20 minutes after he called me and he said he was coming back. I felt really happy because he said he might be gone for 1-2 days but he was already coming back.

!!!

He came home 1-2 hours ago .. and my parents still aren't talking. My dad locked himself in the extra room we have in the house cause thats kinda his room.. My mom's just chillin` downstiars, doing some paper thangs .. Ah.

:x

My head still hurts a lot. For almost the entire day, my heart or .. my chest was hurting.

Yeup.