Breaks My Heart

Okay so.

I woke up this morning to the loud yelling of my parents. I was just kinda like, "Ah .. =___=" - rolls over and tries to sleep again-

Their voices got progressively louder so I opened my eyes to hear what they were arguing about.. It was something that happened yesterday and I wasn't really sure so I decided to get up and go listen. I stayed quiet upstairs until I heard a tremble in my mom's voice .. It was weird, this argument seemed really off because my dad's voice had this particular tone that I haven't heard in a while .. Okay well, my parents don't really argue that much.. Actually, they don't argue in general. They also don't have bigass arguments .. I only remember two other occasions where their arguments went out of hand.

So, I go downstairs cause I can hear my mom crying, which is shocking because I've only seen my mom cry .. maybe two to three times in my life before. She was sobbing and I was watching my parents argue from the kitchen. They were around.. 15 ft away from me, going at each other. Well, it was more of my dad yelling and my mom pleading for forgiveness and saying some other shit .. I don't know man, I'm not going to get into why they fought but .. my dad's too stubborn, my mom already apologized numerous times, people are just blah. I learned something out of this though: my dad's really sensitive. I knew little things bothered him, but I didn't think he was sensitive.. Or wtf, thats stupid of me to think that but its weird if you've never seen your parent get hurt by the other parent before. You always hear of your friend's or even yourself getting hurt by others by your parents? Uh ...

Okay so I was just standing in the kitchen for a few seconds until I started crying. I couldn't control myself. The worst thing that I've witness/seen is my parents fighting. I forget everything else thats happening around me and my head is pin-pointed on my parents' fighting. Goddammit. Arguing from time to time is okay but I don't like it .. I feel like shit when one parent is mad at the other too.. It was just all bad this time because my dad was frustrated and my mom was crying. I cried some more and walked toward my mom with my arms out .. I hugged her. She was sobbing and I held her. I don't really remember in what sequence things went but later my mom's sitting .. and my dad's sitting.. they're both quiet, my dad is trying to end the argument because he said he already forgave her .. but he's the type that always brings shit up again, he doesn't easily forgive either. Uh.. Okay so they argue again and it hits me, my dad's hurt. He's hurt because of something my mom did and she kept doing it. UH. LOL lets just say that my mom didn't include my dad in something and my dad feels hurt. She didn't even ASK him to join him and she always goes places without him. My dad will never go to places without my mom. He'll reject someone's invitation if my mom isn't there. My mom on the other hand wil just go places and blahh. The last time my mom went somewhere without my dad, he randomly talked about it in the car. I didn't take such notice of it but all he told me was , " I can't believe she went without me. " I feel kinda bad too cause my parents can't do things they want to do sometimes because they have to take me to school but uh..

K, back to them arguing. I was crying this whole time but I stepped into their argument .. I don't realy know what other way to say this but I'll type what I said to my mom:

Mommy, it doesn't matter if you're trying to get proof .. (Something along the lines of that) .. the fact is is that daddy's hurt. You hurt his feelings. You hurt his feelings a number of times and you didn't even know that you were hurting him. Daddy has been going through this without telling you anything but you keep doing the same thing.

My mom tries standing up for herself and I'm just like ...

I know you're sorry and daddy knows you're sorry but its going to take time for both of you to calm down. Daddy's stubborn and you know that..

Randomly, I start hearing a cry and I know its not my mom .. I look to my dad and he's crying. Ohmygod its like my heart broke into more pieces. I've never in my life seen or heard my dad cry. I've never seen my dad with his guard down before. I've never seen my dad feel hurt or show any sign of weakness .. It broke my heart.

Immediately after I realized he was crying, I went to him and hugged him. I started crying even more and said daddy don't cry ... Please stop crying. My heart hurts.

My mom comes and tries to hug him but he softly pushes her away. My dad starts crying even more and expressing himself.

Then we're all just crying, my mom and I on both sides of my dad ... >____>; ...

So then things calm down a bit, my mom and I eat lunch.. I go upstairs, play some cs to calm down (LOL) ..

Then suddenly I hear my dad saying he's going to go to Reno. I heard the garage door open and I ran downstairs. I asked him, " Where are you going?" He responds with "Reno." .. I'm silent and I watch him get ready and everything.. He looks at me and I think its cause I started forming tears in my eyes and he goes.. Why are you crying? I've never seen this before in my dad either but he comes to me and puts his hand on my shoulder, like a sign of concern. I start crying more, staring blankly on the ground. He asks me, " Why are you crying? Do you want me to stay?" I ask him, " Do you need time alone or something? Will this do anything? Whats the point in going to Reno? Are you going to enjoy yourself ... whattt? " He says, ' I don't know" ..

I'm still crying and my mom approaches me now and we're all standing under the doorframe.. I don't look at either of them but my dad suddenly goes to the car and starts to back up.. I look at him while still crying and he closes the garage.. For some reason , in my heart, i felt like he wouldn't leave. Oh, one thing I remember, while I was crying, he said, "So what? What if I go? One day I'm going to leave without you even knowing." ..

Also, I asked him, " Are you going somewhere by yourself to teach mommy a lesson? Whats the point in that."

I'm standing there with my mom behind me, watching the garage door slowly come down .. I'm still staring at the garage door, hoping that it would open again and my dad would drive back into the garage ... I hear a car stop and I think its my dad.. I feel like he took time to think about what he was doing. My mom turns off the life and was about to close the door when she tried to lead me away from the door. Instead of continuing to turn me, she hugs me and starts crying. She breaks into a sob right away and says stuff about like ... "I feel lonely. He just started his 21 day break and i thought it was going to be fun but ... " .. I don't know, just things that made me cry too. We were crying together for about 2 minutes under the doorframe.. After that, for some reason, I went outside to see if my dad was parked somewhere but he was gone.

K so.. Some hours pass and then I was going to call my dad to see how he was doing.. Instead, as I checked my phone, I realized he had called me. I called him back 20 minutes after he called me and he said he was coming back. I felt really happy because he said he might be gone for 1-2 days but he was already coming back.

!!!

He came home 1-2 hours ago .. and my parents still aren't talking. My dad locked himself in the extra room we have in the house cause thats kinda his room.. My mom's just chillin` downstiars, doing some paper thangs .. Ah.

:x

My head still hurts a lot. For almost the entire day, my heart or .. my chest was hurting.

Yeup.