Ugh.

I can't get over the fact that I already finished You're Beautiful.

Goddammit, anyone recommend dramas?

Booshiet.

♥

Fed up.

I'm fed up with all of this.

I'm not the only one either.

Edit:

Holymotherphuqpeopleareannoyingjesuschrist.

People.

People are annoying.

Holyjesus.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

DAMMIT.

IT'S OVER.

ITS DONE. THROUGH. DONE. DAMMIT.

Finally watching a drama after around 1 year, I'm satisfied, h'ohshite.

Pissed already?

Okay so, I just arrived at my grandparents' house in San Francisco ...

I went downstairs to greet my cousins and then uhh .. So apparently one of my cousin comes out of the shower and is like, "HEY. Im going to volunteer, do you want to come?" Usually when I come here I spend time with him cause we're close like that... So anyway, I ask my parents if I can go and my mom's like uhhh.. I don't know, ask Daddy. So I ask my dad and he asks where it is first.. The place is fine and has a lot of friendly people but uhh.. then he's like, "Well ... you know ... what if we have to wait for you to come back? You might not have enough time? You don't know when you're coming back. Mkay, don't go, mkay?"

FUCK THAT SHIT. Hella mad. I already had to cancel my plans to hang out with CHANTELLLLL today because of a dinner party I have to go to tonight and my parents didn't want me to be anywhere but here..

What the fuck.

I could spend my time giftwrapping for children but instead I'm ... sitting here blogging about my rage and about to play audition or something.

Hell I might even play counterstrike or .... OMGPOP, something obviously less productive than helping the greater good.

Sonovabitch.

Don't you hate it when people give you the most bullshit reasons, especially parents when they don't know what else to say?

I didn't want to argue with him either because earlier today I didn't wake up on time and he's like, "What can we do? Our daughter's useless." & shit like that.

Fuck that, my god. Instead of going without my parents' consent, I should've just went.

goodnight blog

thank you. today was a nice day.

1) got piano finally fixed in the morning. time for my fingers to do their magic once again.

2) HALMUNI FINALLY IS ALIVE OHMYGOD.

3) I found out I get to hang out with someone I've been meaning to hang out with.

4) last night vancouverites' video of them all hanging out made me smile like no other, i love you all. ♥

4) I finally get to spend time with my beloved family tomorrow.

merry christmas eve.

this is the type of friend I have.

Name withheld:

*rofl omg

*fuck you

*love you too

*smd. kbye

Jackie jaggeun harabuji is eating those wontons said (7:57 PM):

*WHAT THE FUCK

*WHAT KINDA

:[

Blog, meet Justin.

where'd you go

I miss you so, seems like its been forever since you've been gone, please come back home.

where are you halmuni.

i miss you..

saranghae. [: I'll learn more korean so then I can speak in yo` language.

Maybe I'll call you tomorrow.

♥

where are you

?!?!

So I hung out with Justin today for the first time in two years.

I'll edit this later.

I just woke up from ... falling asleep? LOL. Goddammit I planned on staying asleep but eh :x

Boooooo. I have a dentist appointment in the morning.

JESUS LOVES ME

Jackie jaggeun harabuji says:

*I AM A FUCKING JESUS LOVER.

amber - FUN & SNOW ^__^ says:

*LMFAO<3

Jackie jaggeun harabuji says:

*!!!!!!!!!!!!

*DID YOU HEAR ME

amber - FUN & SNOW ^__^ says:

*jesus loves you ^__^

*this you know ^__^

OHOLYCHRISTOFALAHJESUSLOVESME.

godblessyouall.

-----------------------------------------

I'm sorry if you're actually Christian and I'm offending you.

LOL MY CHEEK CELL IS MOVING

"Today, I was in my advanced biology class and we were viewing slides we had made of our cheek cells. My biology teacher told us a story about the first year he had been teaching. A girl had made a slide of her cheek cells and had abruptly exclaimed "Mr. Barner! One of my cheek cells is moving!" He had gone over to inve...stigate and discovered that the moving cheek cell had been a sperm. He had to leave the room."

LOL , my friend just copied and pasted it to me but I don't know where its from. FML ? Some other website.

HAHAHA

Great.

I fucking broke my mic.

Fuck.

SDLKFJDKLSJFDLKSFJKLSJDLKJFl

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

YOU FUCKING WOULD WOULDN'T YOU

ROFLDKSJFDSFSDJFDSJFSDFDSFD.

YELLED AT YOUR BITCHASS..

I WONDER WHY IM CUSSING AT YOU NOW TOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[:

loltoday

LOL fuck today.

okay.

SLDKJFDSLJFDKJFDKfj

KLDSJFJDSFSJDFJSFJDSF.

LOL WHAT THE FUCK?

My head is throbs like a bitch and what do you do? Yell your fucking head off at me. I don't even YELL BACK at you. FUCK, I should've blasted your fucking head off, my fucking god. I just stand there and close my eyes trying block out your loud ass fucking, bitchyass, sonovabitch's voice.

LOL I DON'T GET HOW MY GRANDPARENTS GAVE YOU YOUR LOUDASS FUCKING GENES.

WOWOWOOWOW, I hope I'm never like you. You know what, I NEVER WILL be like you, fuck you.

FUCK YOU.

You tell me to sleep till Daddy comes back home so then I can start homework ..

And now you blame me like its my fault for not getting up at 11 when last night you rejected what I told you.

I said I wanted to be woken up at 11 and you're like WHY THE FUCK? ITS ALREADY 8. WHY 11? OHMYGODOODODD I want to sleep after I watch this and shower OHMYGODODODODOD.

Shut the fuck up. Like you actually need to learn how to shut the fuck up. Your voice is worse than old Cantonese women at a party; you beat them all by FAR.

So then I wake up at 11 and go back to sleep waiting for my dad to come back home ... Okay so, its 4:34. ROFL WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?

You told me Daddy would come back home at like.. 1:30 or .. 2 or something because you're like, "Oh ! He's coming back early." Bitch, shut the fuck up and sit down.

So after being woken up by BOTH of you .. I'm like okay .... I'm going to get up after thinking of how I'm going to structure my .. 6paged essay thang.

Holymotherfucker?

And THEN ... SUDDDEENLLYY you guys come and then start yelling and then ... What the fuck, you GO OFF ABOUT how I don't get up and how I'm wasting time and then YOU YELL YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF ABOUT HOW I SHOULD'VE JUST WOKEN UP AT 11.

LOL WHAT THE FUCK. That was my initial plan and then we changed it to wake me up at 10 and you wake me up at 11:30 ??????????????????????????????????????

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

I want to say I fucking hate you, but I don't really, but I'm so mad at you cause you blame everything on me and you're fucking retarded.

I shouldn't even ask my parents for help to wake up but I'm so fucking tired that I need help.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE I ASK MY PARENTS for HELP?

LOL NO.

You're so fucking annoying.

Fuck you.

----------------------------------------

Edited at 4:52PM today:

Lol yup, fuck you, fuck today too.

LOL FUCK YOU TOO.

I'm done, fuck this.

I Need

I need a massage.

What are you blind?

Jesus christ. Okay, I'm sorry I used that term but holyshit.

So I fell asleep around 8 PM while deciding whether I should sleep or ... not sleep since I was wondering where a particular person was. (HEYMAN, if you're reading this you better realize I was being serious).

Actually, if you see this, I'd like to say that ... Well. I'd never be mad that you have to go because I know you have to sleep. Its just that when you want to talk to someone and then you can't ... well, yeah. I also feel that I need to stop putting people over myself, I realized that a few hours ago. I really didn't go nap after school because I was hoping you'd be online or ... I'd be able to talk to you. Ah, I don't know, nevermind. I guess I'm just being a fool and complaining about the fact that I didn't sleep because I put you over myself when initially you never asked me to do that and I just acted on my own. Lol whatever. Do what you want.

Anyway. What triggered my emotions to blog .... at 3:40 AM is because .. Okay so I slept at 8, woke up at 12AM, was alive for an hour so I slept again at 1AM.

My dad just got home and he's like asking me about homework and stuff because he knew I was awake .. then I'm like yeah okay thats great so I keep sleeping and then he barges into my room and is like, " Aren't you waking up? I'm about to sleep and I know you can't get up." Blah blah blah random more shit. Then he randomly brings up how he saw me "playing a game" as I came home.

ROFL BULLSHIT. A GAME? The fuck. Thats cnn.com bitch, put on some lenses. Fuck, its pissing me off lately how my parents accuse me of playing games when I'm NOT. LOL shit , I didn't even play any game yesterday because I didn't want to/didn't feel like it/did homework.

Jesuschrist calm your tiredass down, just go to sleep, goddamn.

I'm just all pissed off and shit, fuck. I'm getting even more mad now that I think about it. I guess I'll go shower.

&

.... Continued about the person above I was addressing whatever I was to:

Okay now I feel bad about the way I just said goodnight. Fuck man, I don't know. LOL ACTUALLY. YOU KNOW WHAT. I don't know, fuck this.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck you. Fuck you too. Fuck you as well, shit.

Falling

I'm slipping.

I'm slowly slipping, I'm losing grasp and falling.

I don't know what to do anymore.

These Days

Lol I feel like everytime I talk to my parents now I get scolded. I just got scolded ...

My dad thinks I play games all day long when actually today I've been reading shit on cnn, times and nytimes. He's like, " I KNEW YOU WERE PLAYING GAMES WHEN MOMMY AND I WENT ON A WALK." No you fucking shit sir, I was lying down in bed looking at my book. He complains how I don't do shit in the house but what is there to do... I'm not going to go wash some windows just cause they're there and not even that dirty ... sweep the floor? Thats already been done. Cleanout the bathrooms ... no need. Wash the dishes? I do them when I can/ if my parents haven't done them already. VACCUUM? K well, I don't really have chores but .. sometimes I dont' feel the need to just do this things just cause I can. Its just like .. I can go clean out the yard if I wanted to but am I going to do that? No, not really. If my parents asked me to sure but .. no ? They don't even do that so why should I. Thats a bad way to look at it but still.

I do laundry at least. I do trash too. What else am I supposed to do. My dad just complained how all I do is stay in my room all day long and they don't know what I'm doing. YEAH OKAY, YOU AREN'T IN MY ROOM 24/7. Shut the fuck up. My dad's like, "Oh you should go downstairs when you're studying so we know what you're doing."

Okay first of all, when you guys are downstairs the television is always on and I always get wrapped up in whatever you're watching so thats a no. I also don't like the uncomfortable chairs downstairs nor do I want to bring all my textbooks/paper/other materials downstairs just to bring them up again. When I"m studying or working on homework, I tend to have a lot of papers or whatever I need spread out everywhere so whenever I'm working, my desk seems kind of messy, but I know where everything is.

Second of all, I used to go downstairs and do my homework but you guys are always upstairs and then once I go back upstairs, you guys don't even realize I was downstairs studying. Whats the point. I have my own room for a reason. Its called my room. I can't even lock my door cause you guys won't let me but if I could I would so yourbitchass wouldn't come barging in and then annoying/pissing me off .. okay, I have a bad habit of getting really irritated when people barge in while I'm trying to do homework, and then TELLING me to do homework when I clearly am/have been already. Its annoying and not necessary. Funny, I wrote an essay about my parents bothering me freshmen year with my hardass English teacher and I actually got an A. Aha.

This is so frustrating. My dad's like, " I don't want to tell you these things blahlfjksdfjlfakfdksjfsf." I'm still wondering if I'm at fault for not being more productive at home like .. being a Cinderella and cleaning up everywhere and doing everything .. and then like.

Lolshit.

Its hard to clean up in my house too sometimes because my house is already always really clean. Everyone in my house (Dad,Mom,Me) always clean up after ourselves ... never leave a mess ... yeah.

Sigh.

Yesterday my dad was scolding me and then mentioned how I'm the type of daughter who won't come back home after I graduate or... go about in the world. Whats ironic is that I've always told myself that after I"m successful, I'm going to go repay my parents and give them things they want and come back home and shit like that and now my dad is like OH YOU'RE AN ANIMAL BARBARIAN WHO WON'T EVER LEARN OR COME BACK HOME TO YOUR PARENTS erlksjdfkdjfdsf.

Lol maybe I won't now that I think about it. I feel like I'm suffocating and being pushed against a wall. I wouldn't say hatred is forming but I just feel so like ... fine, if thats the way you think I'll just DO that. My parents really think lowly of me sometimes.

Like at lunch, sometimes I don't eat what my mom packed for me or something because I"m too busy studying in the library or something .. and we aren't able to eat in the library.

Yesterday, after lunch, I had AP Bio meaning I had a hugeass test so ... couldn't eat in bio either? I come home and told my mom I didn't eat my lunch and in the most sarcastic, nastiest tone she's like, "Oh what did you go buy and eat something else?" and I was already tired/fedup/frustrated/pissed at my entire day and the night before because my mom fucked up my study period so I retaliated and just yelled back at my mom.. Then my mom started yelling back, we fought. Then my dad joined in, Dad & Mom VS Jackie. Yeah.

Lol this reminds me of the time in 7th grade where I was actually diagnosed as a depressed child and my parents would always scream at me how they should've never raised me because I'm useless and just a burden and that I should just disappear.. Yeah well, back then I did. I thought maybe I should disappear, wouldn't I make their lives better?

This idea popped up in my head daily:

The people who brought me into this world will be the exact reason why I'll leave it.

Goodshit.

Maybe This Is Why

Maybe this is why I don't apologize to my parents. Other than the fact that I was raised to never say sorry to my parents cause my dad always told me that saying sorry has no value because its just words.. Whatever happened already happened and a few words isn't going to change anything.

So I just apologized to my mom, felt hella odd, wasn't sure if I should.. but I did. I apologized, a quick apology but I did it.. and now I'm left with tears in my eyes.

Bad Girl

Edited:

5:22PM

Get out of my faceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Holyjesuschrist.

=_____=; I'm exhausted, but you don't know that. Leave me the fck alone. holyshit your breath smells like shit too. Now I can't even nap, great.

TOO MUCH SHIT HAPPENING. You demand so much from me too. The fuck was up your ass yesterday when you scolded me as I entered the car. the fuck. I was like "Hi ^__^" too and you're liek DLFKJDSFSJKDLFJf. fuck you, god.

Also, why SO DEAF? SDKFJSD. Okay I guess you guys are aging but fuck, I hate raising my voice. I don't want to grow up like you. I definitely. I'm not going to grow up into this loudass woman who raises her voice at a tad bit of things-not-going-my-way. God. Calm the fuck down. SIT down cause thats all you do anyway.

fuck, I don't know what else to say, holymolyjesus of fuckers.

On another note. LOL YOU KNOW WHAT. FCK THAT. What the fck have I been doing. Jesus christ.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the library:

Pictures Before&After Blogging:

I am a bad girl. LOL, shiet, ditching 5th period right now because I don't really understand what I'm doing in Pre-Cal. Hm, I'm studying for history next period. Ohgod, time to write two essays and do the rest of the test in my given amount of time.

I also love my favorite sophomore Michelle. [: (LOL she's right behind me and she read the title of my blog)

I just realized I like all girls who are named Michelle. Michelle's are awesome, like unnie&michytallhalmuni.

I'll probably edit this post later or something ... since I haven't blogged in a while. How is everyone doing? :] I miss a lot of people cause I've been dead.

OH. On a happy note, I got the most orgasmic smelling body wash in my life. "Juicy Pomegranate and Mango Infusions" by Soft Soap. YEAHUH. Got it from CVS yesterday. I also got me some nice grapefruit lemongrass Dove conditioner that is also scrumptious.

Oh, right so I'm at the library right now, where I normally am when I ditch. I finally got some of my peppermint mocha from Starbucks this morning. LOL my ditching buddies aren't here right now except that some of my friends are in the library, ditching too. LOL ... K now we're having a study party together in the corner of the library where the macs are. ohoho.

Um, OH. OH OH. I have to post my "Thank Yous" in that thread. I'll be sure to link my post in my personal message on msn later.

OH. BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING. YES. K, I'll talk about this later. I got hellov lotion and other lovely thangs from Victoria Secret though.

I also met a new good friend from Richmond, B.C. Is that how I address the place .. wut. LOL.. K so his name is Derick and he's pretty dandy. [:

AP Bio test tomorrow, AP Comp Sci quiz, and Spanish test ... scandalous.

I should go back to studying for history now. Gootbyeloves.

Hey I love you all, yeah?

What Friends Do

Edit:

This is unbelievably a retarded day.

----------------------------------------------------------

Hm. I don't know what to feel about this anymore.

So apparently when I thought something was up with my main group of friends at school ... I was right.

So I had been feeling lonely and excluded by them .. I was going to talk to two of them but they kept brushing me off by saying oh, they had to go ________ and that we'd talk later. Bullshit, never even asked again. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with the because I can easily hang out with others. I feel like a follower sometimes and that's absolutely something that I can't tolerate. I feel horrible ... There aren't supposed to be any followers/leaders, we're just a group of friends. Even though we have flaws as a group, we normally still work with it and things are okay in the end ..

For example, it seems like there's always someone left out/behind in whatever we're doing.. its not deliberately but shit, what happened to me sure was.

So .... I had gone on someone's facebook to check pictures in my friend's album and I came across this picture ... it was my main group of friends all at this get together thing, all fancied up, dresses, makeup, hair, errthang. So I'm like , "Wut, What's this?" ... I found some other pictures and then went to ask one of my friends to see if they knew what was up because they weren't in any of them.. and she's part of the friendgroupthing. She said she didn't know since she was studying for SATs and she just wasn't notified.. K well, I sure as hella wasn't notified as well.

So I ask one of my friends a question that I had already asked her to see if she'd tell me straight up or sort of dodge the question. The Monday we had come back from Halloween, I had asked "E" and "G" what they did on Halloween. They responded with "Oh I went to a friends house" & "I went trick-o-treatin." I didn't realize it at the time but uh ...

So I found pictures on Halloween and it was with "E", "G", and "L". I'm sort of like ," What the fck? People got together and I wasn't even aware?" Seeing their smiling faces with each other, camwhorin` .. and i'm just like wow okay .. I wasn't even asked nor did anyone mention ANYTHING to me. I couldn't have went anyway, but the fact that the friends that I thought were my "good"/"besties" didn't even bother to ASK ME hurt. I looked at more pictures and just felt even shittier.. So I had mistaken two of the pictures as one event but they were actually two.

One event was on Halloween and another event was for "L"'s birthday. Okay so what I just realize now that's ... what the fck is that I asked her if she was having a party .. her mom said probably not so I was like aw okay, thats cool. Its her 16th birthday too.

I found that pic and today asked my friend what it was ... she said it was L's birthday and I'm like LOLWTF? SHE HAD A BIRTHDAY? AND I WAS NOT NOTIFIED? okay I might sound like a shit for being like, "Aw wtf I wasn't invited QQ," but ... okay she's supposed to be one of my good friends, someone I see everyday and we're always like LALAAL!! .. we used to be much closer until this incident where she lied straight to my face after I asked her if she would ever lie to me.. I'm not going to even start talking about her because she's a straightup-bad-person to be around. Shit, I don't need these people to bring me down. My friend that I was talking to today asked me what I was doing with these type of people that obviously don't care.. Am I wasting my time? Shit I sure think I am.

So, now I'm irked and I'm not the type of person to just let things pass by like this, especially if I've been feeling lonely and like shit for the past 1 in a half months ... so I'm probably going to go to L tomorrow and be like, "So why didn't you lie to me about your birthday and why wasn't I informed?" .. I feel like I'm not mad or.. upset that I didn't go.. but someone I thought who was close to me apparently wasn't.. And the thing is , everyone at the party DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME anything. Like what the fuck, what is my presence nothing? Did no one notice I wasn't there? If thats the case then I'm done, fuck you guys. You use me, i'm going to use you right back. You're just going to be everyday friends who I just see at school, I'm going to be done, I'm going to be through. I don't' want to waste my love and care for the type of people who are taking me for granted and obviously don't give a shit about me enough to even NOTIFY me about something that involves everyone.

Also, another case ... So in English Honors, we have a satire project due this monday .. I've been asking oh, how are we splitting into groups etc.. everyone has been dodging my question and I"m like ay, lets figure this out because this is due on Monday.. so no one has told me anything .. and everyone's just like, " Oh I don't know , we haven't even started, we don't know groups." Then after I kept pestering one friend, she finally says that oh, she'll probably be in ___ & ____'s group and I'm like lol okay should've told me 2 weeks ago when I asked so I wouldn't keep hoping to be in your group.. So then I don't know what the fuck everyone else is doing but shit, not going to wait for them .. Someone asked me today to be in their group so I'm like HELLYEA, LETS GO. Got the recording done afterschool today ...

Friends. What are friends, can someone clarify? I need to decipher who are my real friends from fake. I'm tired of this bullshit. I hate feeling sad so I'm going to do something about it. I've been trying to be happy for all the times I've been sad and you know what ... I'm not going to continue being pushed around and forgotten. I'm fucking Jackie, okay, I'm no pushover. Just say shit to my face instead of dodging the bush because you're wasting my and your time.

Okay, so I guess I'm going to L tomorrow and confronting her. I don't want her to smile at me everyday and put up a front or something, shit.

Bad Habit

Ohgod I keep ditching class and staying in the library to finish other homework. I get the absences excused though. =/

I always mess with photobooth though ... LOL ...

Okay. Lmao. The two people next to me are playing some fighting game and probably think I'm odd just ... fixing my hair and shit in the cam and taking pics. HAHA whatever. People do this all the time. c:

I took a lot of more pictures with my other friend Jes but she didn't upload them/left. Aha.

One Day

One day I'll disappear and you all won't even know.

I'll leave without a trace, nothing left.

I bet you'll all forget about me too.

Always

I always find myself upset/pissed/annoyed nowadays cause of shit.

Lol fuck, can't you two shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

The more you tell me to do things, the more I don't want to do them.

How would you like it if you had two people constantly, every day, every minute, repeating the same thing over and over again in an annoyingassvoice you despise.

Motherofshit.

I can't do shit to let out my anger either, just pisses me off even more.

Ouch

I woke up this morning being hit once on my head by my dad.

Lol.

My mom had come to wake me up and I was about to get up.. but I kept sleeping.. Then my dad comes to check if I'm alive and .. well yeah.

So then he's like , " Mommy told me you were playing a game afterschool yesterday." .. but more in a yelling manner.

Yeah, I went on for the beatrush tourney, quit after passing the first round cause my mom was like WTFOJSK...

That hit on the head did hurt though.

Hm, I don't think I've blogged a blog about my entire day. Lets start.

Jackie's Day So Far:

So I woke up, went to school .. 2nd period .. YES. SPANISH. Ohmygod it was the chillest period I've had in a while. Actually, my entire day was pretty chill only because today was Career Day at school.

Some stuff in mind:

°spanish artist report (first draft) due friday

° finish huckleberry finn - thursday

° get satire project thang together

° actually read biology

° learn trig graphs crap

° actually read & learn history? LOL

° get ap comp sci shiet together

° prepare for in-class essay

Oh, something random to think about: I was invited by my ex to go to his Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of his family. We're pretty good friends so its ... actually normal that he'd invite me? .. but not really. LOL what. We talk once in a while and its always good, but I find it random that he'd invite me .. especially to Thanksgiving because thats a family thing.

Back to my day .. so ... 4th Period AP Compsci ... Ohshit I don't know what we're doing right now. LOL compsci makes my head hurt, its hard :x

Career Day: I got lawyer, pediatrician, emergency room nurse.

Lawyer - The guy was pretty chill and was telling us about this Nazi chase he had or something.

Pediatrician: I've always wanted to be a doctor ever since I was asked by my dad when I was 4. I still stand by that statement, kinda more than ever.

Heyguys, I'm going to be a pediatrician or something and then you all can come into my office for a checkup ;) ohoho. LOL

Or uh, I want to work in the medical field somewhere... Not sure if I want to be a specialist in some field but who knows. Pediatrician? Yah baby.

ER Nurse: Oh ... this guy was pretty chill too haha. Someone asked him the worst case or... patient he had to work with.. Unfortunately he had to take care of a child who was put into an oven. Thinking about that makes me sad.

6th Period was AP Bio. Ohshit man LOL ... I should pay more attention in that class, goddamn all this work.

Oh, things are looking up at school in the friend area so.. I'm glad about that ... I guess. Things are looking up in general maybe.. but not really cause all my classes are starting to jump into their intense business and shit.

Why can't things be insouciant.

Oh ... I also .. what the hell, how is this going to work out.

So I was invited to two friends' parties on Friday ... I guess it'd work out cause one's afterschool ish .. and then another one starts at 7. LOL

I think I'll be planting trees as volunteer work on Saturday too.

I need to do more volunteer work. I actually want to work at Kaiser or have some internship somewhere; that'd be pretty dope.

I definitely want to volunteer at Kaiser hospital or ... maybe even a lab, gotdayum. [:

Mkay, so now .. I need to read two fetasspackets of articles about viewpoints of Huckle Berry Finn, study for math, do math homework, history ?!

Okay life, ameliorate yourself.

Edited:

OHMYGOD. ALSO. I have this really nice mint chocolate godiva ball thing that.. I'm about to devour later. Ohoho.

Random but you know, my bra randomly broke today in class.. or something .. uhhh ... some wire part of something broke and then was stabbing me and I wtfed throughout bio. LOL ...

Then later I checked and this wire was sticking out, yeah that was odd.

But on the topics of bras, my mom also bought me three new bras today [: Surprisingly they're cute.

One's just black, another one polkadotpinkwhite, some other cool design whitelightblue.

Just wanted to share that because I'm sure no one is going to read this far. LOL

Fuck Off

Mother fucking bitchass cow. Shut the fuck up.

Leave me the fuck alone. Fuck your bullshitted mouth.

Fuck.

RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

You make me want to say I fucking hate you. Holymotherfucker. Fucked me up in the morning too?

No wonder I told you to your face for the first time you're fucking annoying.

Yeah. I said, "You're fucking annoying."

Can't you get off my nuts or something, holymotherfucker.

Friends

LOL THATS THE MOST SHIT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY right now.

Please.

Friends? I called you guys GOOD friends? What friends. What the fuck are you for me to call you a friend ... All of you friends, really? Is that what a friend does?

Dodging my questions, saying other things, LOLFOOL I'm not stupid. I'm not blind either and you can't bullshit around.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh I never finished this post but uhh ... LOL. K.

Shiny

ilmylbcom «3

Okay so earlier today I got the bombest, ferocious, most fabulous nail polish ever. I've always wanted to complete my "GLAM" colors i.e gold, silver, etc.

So I already had some shiny silver nail polish but NOW ... I have GOLD & this sexy ass metallicy green keylime shine color [:

I'll edit this post later and post them up.

My nails are so fabulous.

Realization

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”

—	Audrey Hepburn

I think I know what my problem has been lately ...

No wonder my mind keeps jumping from one things to another but ...

Maybe I've been feeling this way because I'm yearning to be loved .. Who isn't ? But what the hell, its not like I'm actually looking for this ... It's not like I've told myself, "Aite, go find yourself a man." .. no.

I feel like I want to be loved and the last element I realized today is that ...

I want to love someone. I want to care for someone. I want to do little cute things that matter for someone. I want to be there for someone. I want to embrace someone. I want to be the person that someone confides and believes in.

I want to share the bright sunshine that I wake up to everyday and the vibrant golden sunset that is around a block away. Really.

I want to share happiness with someone, in that way.

:]

Oops.

I think I've made a mistake.

Bitchass

Fuck your bitchass. You honestly think I'm on drugs? LOL YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT it means to be on drugs. HAHHAHAHAAHAA.

Bitchass thinks I'm on drugs, that's hellov funny. Getting a blood test tomorrow ... You honestly are going to request to check for drugs? Shiet, I should hella load on something.

So I talked to someone today about the shit thats been happening thats got me down for the past month and finally got that fucking shit off my chest. Woman's fucking ass comes in and starts yelling and shit to get off and about how useless it is to be on the phone.

Fuck you. You don't even know if your fucking daughter is sad and shit.

LOL FUCK YOU SO HARD. I fucking hate you. I'm going to start fucking hating you. Fuck you and fuck him too. Fuck both of you.

AHAHAHAHA. I'm going to fuck myself up badly on purpose just to spite you. Fuck you.

I'm going back to fucking sleep, shiet. I don't even remember when I fell asleep but I was doing homework and reading bio. Your fucking vocals just had to start yelling and say random shit.

I think its the funniest thing in the world how you think I'm on drugs. I want to tell my teachers my dad thinks I'm on drugs. Actually, I want to tell my counselor that you think I'm on drugs.

Then after that I'll go fucking do some drugs, drink, and then come back home.

I hate listening to your loudass sonovabitch fucker voice okay. Put a dirty sock in it.

I'm going back to sleep. Its like you expect me not to be tired with two hours of sleep, dipshit.

Return

These fingers of mine will be put to use once again.

Have I found refuge?

LOL

So I couldn't get up this morning and slept through all my alarms... So my dad decided to ask me, " Are you on drugs?" and actually meant it?

ROFL. Am I on drugs, shiet. That's hilarious. I responded with a, "If I was on drugs I'd be happy." and he's like you sure look happy and I'm like LOLWTFDLSJFKDFJD.

Am I on drugs. Sometimes I feel like I should actually just do drugs for the hell of shit. Hahahahaah.

I'm going to laugh if I get fcked up on Friday. Yeee.

Happiness.

Someone told me I should be happy.

How?

Where the fuck did happiness go this past month.

I'm not happy and haven't been happy.

I Wanna Be

I still want to be with you even after all this shit. Lol. Funny, we've never been together only due to the fact that we're this far. What if I told you that I'd still want us to be rather than what I said that day?

What if we were together? I hope that question still enters your mind from time to time. Are you lonely? I hope you aren't. I want to know whats going on in your life. You're really stubborn when it comes to feelings, but I still want to be there.

I'm talking to you for the first time in months. I miss you. I've missed you every single day. I actually do think I have thought of you every day ... You're busy, I'm busy, this I know, but no matter what, I'd always make time for you.

My friend told me this once, "Don't give me shit about oh, you don't have time, people give time to those who they want to make time for."

I'm about to take a shower, but I was stopped cause I messaged you first in a while; you responded this time. We haven't had an actual conversation in awhile, nor have I seen your delightful face. I care too much not to care where this is going to go.

How ironic. We have this brother and sister relationship and then like .. we're never there for each other when we really do need each other though. You know I'm there for you, but you always want to be alone. I don't want/like to be alone when I'm sad, I don't know if you're aware of that.

I still never go to tell you the dream I had a while ago. You asked me right after I mentioned it, but I changed the topic right after and you forgot. Did you forget? I'm surprised I still remember the dream because I typically forget what I dream about. We held hands, kissed, and then someone had to go ... after that things faded away and I don't remember the rest.

I miss seeing your face. I miss hearing your voice. I miss being around you. I miss your presence. I miss everything about you.

I like how this is only a brother&sister type of relationship.

Bored in History

Vista.

I fucking hate Vista.

Holyshit, Vista frustrates me on an entirely different level. =/

Upset

You upset me. Seeing that upsets me. You are upsetting. You are also upsetting. I am upset.

Please tell me if this was my fault or his fault ? ...

Okay so I had a question for bio that my friend and I couldn't figure out .. So ..... I went and asked my lab partner knowing that he'd be chill about it .. but this is what happens.

Please tell me if I was the one who overreacted or he was just being a bitch. Hey, its probably both but shiet.

20:31] Jackie: LOL

[20:31] Jackie: Why do we calculate q before p.

[20:33] Jeff: are you serious

[20:39] Jackie: I'll ask someone else then.

[20:42] Jeff: no srsly

[20:42] Jackie: Uh.

[20:42] Jackie: I wouldn't be asking you if I knew

[20:42] Jackie: Lol

[20:42] Jeff: thats what the whole last half chapter was about

[20:43] Jeff: and what hardy weinberg was about

[20:43] Jeff: which is why i said what i said

[20:43] Jackie: I said nevermind

[20:43] Jackie: Lol

[20:43] Jeff: ok

[20:57] Jeff: lol, sorry jackie. its just that that is something that you should know

[20:57] Jeff: tahts what we've been going over the past week

[20:58] Jackie: Lol what the fuck

[20:58] Jackie: Jeff.

[20:58] Jackie: Even if we did go over it the past week

[20:58] Jackie: Its not like you have to be a bitch about it

[20:58] Jeff: i wasnt being a bitch about it?

[20:58] Jackie: Uh

[20:58] Jackie: Yeah ?

[20:58] Jackie: Lol

[20:58] Jackie: I asked you a question

[20:58] Jeff: how was i being a bitch about it?

[20:58] Jackie: and instead youre just like

[20:58] Jeff: reread what i said?

[20:58] Jackie: are you esrious.

[20:58] Jackie: [20:31] Jackie: LOL

[20:31] Jackie: Why do we calculate q before p.

[20:33] Jeff: are you serious

[20:39] Jackie: I'll ask someone else then.

[20:42] Jeff: no srsly

[20:42] Jackie: Uh.

[20:42] Jackie: I wouldn't be asking you if I knew

[20:42] Jackie: Lol

[20:42] Jeff: thats what the whole last half chapter was about

[20:43] Jeff: and what hardy weinberg was about

[20:43] Jeff: which is why i said what i said

[20:43] Jackie: I said nevermind

[20:43] Jackie: Lol

[20:43] Jeff: ok

[20:59] Jeff: yea

[20:59] Jeff: all i said

[20:59] Jackie: I asked you specifically cause i knew you'd like

[20:59] Jeff: was are you serious?

[20:59] Jeff: i didnt cuss at you

[20:59] Jackie: You don't have to cuss in order to be a bitch

[20:59] Jackie: LOL

[20:59] Jackie: Its the fact that you're just like

[20:59] Jackie: UH ARE YOU SERIOUS JACKIE YOU DON'T KNOW and we've been learning this

[20:59] Jackie: Well you know what

[20:59] Jackie: Lol

[20:59] Jackie: Jeff.

[20:59] Jackie: I asked you because I obvoiusly don't know

[20:59] Jeff: was i typing in caps? no, i was asking a question

[20:59] Jeff: you are overreacting

[21:00] Jackie: Lol asking a rude question

[21:00] Jeff: how is it a rude question

[21:00] Jackie: If you were to ask me something about bio homework

[21:00] Jackie: I wouldn't be like

[21:00] Jackie: Are you serious.

[21:00] Jackie: Lol its fine

[21:00] Jackie: Forget it

[21:00] Jeff: a rude question would be, do you not every pay attention in class

[21:00] Jackie: I"m asking someone lese

[21:00] Jeff: thats rude

[21:00] Jackie: I went to you because I knew you'd know

[21:00] Jackie: and help me out.

[21:00] Jackie: Its fine

[21:00] Jackie: I already said nevermind.

[21:00] Jeff: ok

[21:00] Jeff: you are overreacting

[21:00] Jeff: but if tahts how you wanna be

[21:00] Jeff: its fine

[21:00] Jackie: LOL

[21:00] Jackie: K you don' thave to put it like that either.

[21:01] Jeff: well, tahts how you're acting

[21:01] Jackie: Lol ...

[21:01] Jackie: No

[21:01] Jeff: and its freedom of speech

[21:01] Jackie: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[21:01] Jackie: You aren't going to pull that line on me

[21:01] Jackie: Honestly.

[21:01] Jackie: Really, it doesn't matter

[21:01] Jackie: I'm sorry i even went to you in the first place.

[21:01] Jeff: ok, w/e

[21:01] Jackie: I asked someone else before

[21:01] Jackie: and she didn't know

[21:01] Jackie: So i was like Oh look, my smart partner Jeff would know

[21:01] Jackie: Its cool lol

[21:02] Jeff: i do know, but since you decided to go apeshit on me, i never had the chance to explain anything

[21:02] Jackie: LOL I didn't apeshit on you

[21:02] Jackie: I was just like

[21:02] Jackie: Nevermind

[21:02] Jeff: you pretty much did tho

[21:02] Jeff: you could have just said, yes im srs

[21:02] Jeff: that would have did it

[21:02] Jackie: Lol

Edit:

Mkay so I guess I took it offensively ..... I should've just been hella chill back at him but still .. I don't want him to be like OH ARE YOU SERIOUS? DAYUM WHY YOU HELLA STUPID. Like what the fck man.

LOL whatever. I have more ranting to do about people who disappoint me.

=/

Forgiveness

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you too.

@1: Thank you for being there and listening and just ... being there. I really appreciate you. I don't really know any better way to phrase this ... but I'm even happy that you called .. its just that I passed out.

♥

@2: I'm really sorry. I guess I did end up raging at you without even knowing it. I went insane last night, I'm sorry; it was uncalled for. I didn't know you had a short temper either and I'll be sure to take notice of that. I don't know what came over me. I know I should've stopped talking to you cause I would've made things worse (which I did), but ... I just felt like I had to keep talking to you. I really wished/hope you'd pick up your phone when I called though .. even though I was crying it would've really helped, its okay though. ><

I honestly, sincerely, apologize. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for to both of you for just disappearing like that. I ended up not being able to breathe and then panicked .. resorted to my bed, and then not knowing wtf happened, passed out.

I'd like to apologize for what happened last night and for my uninformed disappearance.

I need to get a control of these emotional breakdowns but shiet, girl can't keep all this inside for 3 weeks+

Edit:

Wtf@3: Where the hell were you when this happened, shiet.

Honestly, its like I always find myself alone. What, do I need to get used to this now or something, shiet. I already knew this, in the end, every individual will always remain alone.

Breaks My Heart

Okay so.

I woke up this morning to the loud yelling of my parents. I was just kinda like, "Ah .. =___=" - rolls over and tries to sleep again-

Their voices got progressively louder so I opened my eyes to hear what they were arguing about.. It was something that happened yesterday and I wasn't really sure so I decided to get up and go listen. I stayed quiet upstairs until I heard a tremble in my mom's voice .. It was weird, this argument seemed really off because my dad's voice had this particular tone that I haven't heard in a while .. Okay well, my parents don't really argue that much.. Actually, they don't argue in general. They also don't have bigass arguments .. I only remember two other occasions where their arguments went out of hand.

So, I go downstairs cause I can hear my mom crying, which is shocking because I've only seen my mom cry .. maybe two to three times in my life before. She was sobbing and I was watching my parents argue from the kitchen. They were around.. 15 ft away from me, going at each other. Well, it was more of my dad yelling and my mom pleading for forgiveness and saying some other shit .. I don't know man, I'm not going to get into why they fought but .. my dad's too stubborn, my mom already apologized numerous times, people are just blah. I learned something out of this though: my dad's really sensitive. I knew little things bothered him, but I didn't think he was sensitive.. Or wtf, thats stupid of me to think that but its weird if you've never seen your parent get hurt by the other parent before. You always hear of your friend's or even yourself getting hurt by others by your parents? Uh ...

Okay so I was just standing in the kitchen for a few seconds until I started crying. I couldn't control myself. The worst thing that I've witness/seen is my parents fighting. I forget everything else thats happening around me and my head is pin-pointed on my parents' fighting. Goddammit. Arguing from time to time is okay but I don't like it .. I feel like shit when one parent is mad at the other too.. It was just all bad this time because my dad was frustrated and my mom was crying. I cried some more and walked toward my mom with my arms out .. I hugged her. She was sobbing and I held her. I don't really remember in what sequence things went but later my mom's sitting .. and my dad's sitting.. they're both quiet, my dad is trying to end the argument because he said he already forgave her .. but he's the type that always brings shit up again, he doesn't easily forgive either. Uh.. Okay so they argue again and it hits me, my dad's hurt. He's hurt because of something my mom did and she kept doing it. UH. LOL lets just say that my mom didn't include my dad in something and my dad feels hurt. She didn't even ASK him to join him and she always goes places without him. My dad will never go to places without my mom. He'll reject someone's invitation if my mom isn't there. My mom on the other hand wil just go places and blahh. The last time my mom went somewhere without my dad, he randomly talked about it in the car. I didn't take such notice of it but all he told me was , " I can't believe she went without me. " I feel kinda bad too cause my parents can't do things they want to do sometimes because they have to take me to school but uh..

K, back to them arguing. I was crying this whole time but I stepped into their argument .. I don't realy know what other way to say this but I'll type what I said to my mom:

Mommy, it doesn't matter if you're trying to get proof .. (Something along the lines of that) .. the fact is is that daddy's hurt. You hurt his feelings. You hurt his feelings a number of times and you didn't even know that you were hurting him. Daddy has been going through this without telling you anything but you keep doing the same thing.

My mom tries standing up for herself and I'm just like ...

I know you're sorry and daddy knows you're sorry but its going to take time for both of you to calm down. Daddy's stubborn and you know that..

Randomly, I start hearing a cry and I know its not my mom .. I look to my dad and he's crying. Ohmygod its like my heart broke into more pieces. I've never in my life seen or heard my dad cry. I've never seen my dad with his guard down before. I've never seen my dad feel hurt or show any sign of weakness .. It broke my heart.

Immediately after I realized he was crying, I went to him and hugged him. I started crying even more and said daddy don't cry ... Please stop crying. My heart hurts.

My mom comes and tries to hug him but he softly pushes her away. My dad starts crying even more and expressing himself.

Then we're all just crying, my mom and I on both sides of my dad ... >____>; ...

So then things calm down a bit, my mom and I eat lunch.. I go upstairs, play some cs to calm down (LOL) ..

Then suddenly I hear my dad saying he's going to go to Reno. I heard the garage door open and I ran downstairs. I asked him, " Where are you going?" He responds with "Reno." .. I'm silent and I watch him get ready and everything.. He looks at me and I think its cause I started forming tears in my eyes and he goes.. Why are you crying? I've never seen this before in my dad either but he comes to me and puts his hand on my shoulder, like a sign of concern. I start crying more, staring blankly on the ground. He asks me, " Why are you crying? Do you want me to stay?" I ask him, " Do you need time alone or something? Will this do anything? Whats the point in going to Reno? Are you going to enjoy yourself ... whattt? " He says, ' I don't know" ..

I'm still crying and my mom approaches me now and we're all standing under the doorframe.. I don't look at either of them but my dad suddenly goes to the car and starts to back up.. I look at him while still crying and he closes the garage.. For some reason , in my heart, i felt like he wouldn't leave. Oh, one thing I remember, while I was crying, he said, "So what? What if I go? One day I'm going to leave without you even knowing." ..

Also, I asked him, " Are you going somewhere by yourself to teach mommy a lesson? Whats the point in that."

I'm standing there with my mom behind me, watching the garage door slowly come down .. I'm still staring at the garage door, hoping that it would open again and my dad would drive back into the garage ... I hear a car stop and I think its my dad.. I feel like he took time to think about what he was doing. My mom turns off the life and was about to close the door when she tried to lead me away from the door. Instead of continuing to turn me, she hugs me and starts crying. She breaks into a sob right away and says stuff about like ... "I feel lonely. He just started his 21 day break and i thought it was going to be fun but ... " .. I don't know, just things that made me cry too. We were crying together for about 2 minutes under the doorframe.. After that, for some reason, I went outside to see if my dad was parked somewhere but he was gone.

K so.. Some hours pass and then I was going to call my dad to see how he was doing.. Instead, as I checked my phone, I realized he had called me. I called him back 20 minutes after he called me and he said he was coming back. I felt really happy because he said he might be gone for 1-2 days but he was already coming back.

!!!

He came home 1-2 hours ago .. and my parents still aren't talking. My dad locked himself in the extra room we have in the house cause thats kinda his room.. My mom's just chillin` downstiars, doing some paper thangs .. Ah.

:x

My head still hurts a lot. For almost the entire day, my heart or .. my chest was hurting.

Yeup.

Brushing my teeth right now. Caffeine overdose go !

I better stay awake tomorrow during class and after tennis match. Last week of tennis. Playoffs next week. Lets go.

Hey I like this new toothbrush.

I miss people. People make me happy and sad.

I miss people.

Piedmont

If there was a more expressive word for "exhausted" and "fatigue", I would insert it somewhere in this post. I'm sure there is but uhh, don't feel like thesaurusing it.

Holyshit, my undefeated streak for tennis was broken today by .. bigbadassscary Piedmont team. S'll good, they're all rich,tall, white chicks who've had private lessons since they could hold a tennis racket. I felt like we could do better but whatever, fair match.

It was so incredibly cold I randomly couldn't walk.

On our van ride back to school, I passed out and fell asleep next to my double's partner and woke up to .. random things, realizing my mouth was left open. ROFL. Yeah.

I was so tired while walking up the stairs to my locker because I had to change.

I couldn't find my parents when I was supposed to be picked up and got confused cause there was another car honking at me. I thought they were my parents but apparently not. As I entered the car, I hit my head hella hard into ... something. LOL ...

Now ... to do AP Comp Sci lab, reading, AP Bio, Spanish, and probably go over math shit so I don't fail on Thursday.

I'm dead. I can hardly open my eyes. I miss you.

I wonder if things at school are starting to brighten up... I hope so ? My relationship with you randomly lightened up and now we've returned to normal ... I hope. I still have to talk to you though.

I guess I'll be blogging regularly. LOL ... I want to pizzazz my layout and everything though.

I'm dead, someone save me.

finally.

& the tears finally come rushing down.

fault.

i'm blaming you for the way i'm acting. you're doing exactly what upsets me and i straight up told you already.

i've said it more than once too to more than one person. honestly?

times like this is when i even want to get away from you.

i'm being pushed into an unwanted corner, viewing both sides of the wall, feeling like i'm being enclosed ... okay so I paused for this sentence cause I .. can't think of another way to phrase it.

basically i'm "suffocating"... except instead of just accepting it, I want to spit that water shit into your face and make you realize i'm not someone you can just throw aside at your convenience.

What is happening.

I don't know whats happening.

I need to set my priorities straight.

I want everything, but I also want nothing.

I need to get the fuck out of this whole and continue seeing the bright sun shine with the wind blowing in my hair and say "Fuck you, I've moved on."

I don't want to care about this. I don't need this either.

I don't want to care, I don't want to see this, I don't want to be around this but its inevitable.

Always giving, never receiving. When does someone know when to give up or continue believing.

Lol, why does it seem like I keep questioning shit. I shouldn't even come down to this point where I'm considering all aspects of my life that are important to me turning upside down.

I want to rip that shit up. I want to do this over. I wish I never even got involved.

Wow. I just thought of someone else. What the fuck happened to you. I constantly try and I'm shot down every time. I don't know if I should give up on you .. or just wait for you to come to me because its been like that already for all these years. I know you're feeling like shit and I want to be there for you but you won't let me. Hey, I'm feeling like shit too, why can't we be there for each other instead of like those times when life fell apart and we were distanced away from each other. I'm glad I saved you that day. I thought our bond was more than that. Isn't it? Do I have to explicitly ask you if you care about me? I know you're going to say yes because why would you say no? I hope you're doing well ... even though I know you aren't. I want to see your face. I want to talk to you. Funny how this is only one case.

Who else to rant about. Okay. You. Why are you turning your back on us? You gave me some bullshit reason saying, "Oh sorry, I've been hanging out with them lately so blah blah blah." What? What the fuck. That has no relevance to what happens between us at school because they don't even go to our school. What the fuck happened on Saturday?

How shitty can someone feel when they think they're loved by their friends, realize that everyone is already occupied with someone else, kicked out of their seat, leaves everyone with tears in their eyes and .. wait what. I don't even realize what I typed. I'm not going to even bother backspacing. I looked you in the eye, hurt inside. I really was hurt. You don't understand how hurt I am from your actions/looks/words. You too. Another person. Even though I know you didn't mean to hurt me, your look made me feel like I was someone you looked down on.

Okay. Back to you. I looked at you in the bus, about to cry and everything. I wanted to cry right there. I tried so hard to hold it in. When I couldn't hold it anymore, I turned around, left, and then the tears came. Sad thing is none of you even noticed or bothered to CARE. What the fuck man. What kinda fucking friend just leaves her friend. Also, he said that I was here. He announced that I was here and instead of giving me space in the circle you fucking closed that shit up. I don't know what to do. You gave me another bullshit reason that you're tired and cranky. Oh yeah? Then why the fuck are you sucking up to the other two seniors. You're being their bitch and everything; you might as well just suck on them and call it a day or something.

Yeah. I'm hurt. All this shit Im typing is cause I'm hurt. I'm hurt. It does matter to me because you're really close to me and you matter. I care about you. I care about what you think of me. I care about our friendship. I just care.

Look. I'm being forgotten, again. Funny, this isn't the first time, second, third ... maybe its the fourth. Haha, I can foresee the future already. I see the fifth. I warned you about this and its happening anyway. I was straightforward but apparently thats not enough.

I want to cry, but I don't want to cry because you guys are the reason why I would. I wish I could end up not giving a shit about you guys but it doesn't work that way. I ripped up your name. I should write the others and rip up their names too. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I need an actual, forreal, true friend. Fuck.

tears

Hm, have I been crying recently or something? Shiet.

So this morning I woke up at 6:50AM to get ready to go to Great America by 8:30AM. I decided to sleep longer so I woke up at 7:40. Started getting ready, called Elena to make sure I could still go. For some odd reason my mom started saying shit to me that really pissed me off and it felt like ... Hm, whats the word. Blackmail? Yeah. I felt like she was blackmailing me cause she was like "If you don't do this you can go to Great America. Forget it." Mygod. I swear she's going through menopause. I even asked her, I was just like, what the hell is up with you, why are you so bitchy, shiet.

After I arrived in front of my school, seeing everyone, I felt better.. sort of. Okay so for the past two days, I've been contemplating whether or not I should go to Great America. I know most of the people who are going but I'm not BESTFRIENDSOHDANG with them. There are the junior girls I'm really chill with and I'm really close to some of them but we don't really hang out anymore. Ohgod, I'm going to read this blog later and think I'm hella stupid. I feel really stupid. Lol.

[Finishing this later]

shut your mouth.

Shut the fuck up bitch, I'm not taking your shit.

The Conclusion

I've broke out in tears and have started to cry.

What the fuck.

What the fuck was that.

I need someone.

What the fuck.

In the end I'm left with myself and my thoughts .

You know what helps though? crying. i've resorted to crying. i give up.

Tomorrow I'm going to open my eyes and forget everything. I hate these feelings. I shouldn't even be upset.

Falling.

I want to cry.

What the fuck.

I can't believe this is happening.

I bet this is also going to pass in a day. Again, I'm going to push it aside and live life as I have been.

Maybe I should stop giving in and say something .. Not really.

If only it was that easy.

I should be emotionless. Things would be easier that way. Too bad that's impossible.

---------------------

I don't even want to talk to anyone about this really. Lol ... Do I even want to blog? This is pretty useful, but all I'll probably do after I post this is mope.

I should be studying/doing homework, but I'm just listening to music and moping.

I might make a blog to ameliorate my vocabulary; a vocabulary word a day for Jackie?

What have I done. I did something good, but why am I suffering from it? What the fuck. I'm hella retarded. I know all these feelings will disappear tomorrow morning because I get over things so easily ... or at least I make sure/try to.

Oh, I bet if I read this again later, I'm going to laugh at myself and continue with whatever I'm doing. Funny how you feel like shit and then later it's kind of like nothing happened. Who knows.

Why do feelings have to be so complex? This is exactly what I don't want to bother with shit. I'm also too cowardly and don't want to risk being hurt; it happens anyway.

Maybe I just want someone who appreciates me, someone who'll never leave me, someone who'll understand every inch of me, someone who'll be there for me, someone's who made for me, someone who's ... just for me.

--------------------------

Who wouldn't want someone like that? Isn't that what we all yearn for in the end anyway?

Edit: You forget about me, disregard me, take me forgranted ... when that person is there. I don't like that.Who likes being disregarded anyway? Even if we aren't anything more, I don't appreciate just being hauled to the side whenever you want. What if I were to leave one day, what the fuck are you going to do? Shit, I somehow doubt you'd even notice. Maybe I'm just going to stop. See what happens.

See if you remember me.

What Am I Doing.

I feel sad, mopey, and down.

Cool.

=/

Editing Shit

I'm editing everythang, hold up.

Come back later. ;D

Edited on October 12, 2009:

I guess I'm going to secretly use this without informing anyone. I'll pretend this is someone I can go to for everything without explaining anything, understanding every word I say.